Lady on the Run

1) Get fit

2) Be a gym buff

3) Save some money

4) Get enough sleep

Dear Friends,

As the year approaching its conclusion, i’m sure all of us have 1001 things, events, feelings, learnings to reflect on. I know i do. right this second, i chose not to dwell on all the things i should have done, and how i could have done some others differently. the time and moment for that will come. as much as i want to believe that i have no regrets, i know now that that isn’t always the case. a bitter pill to swallow, but swallow it i must. and hopefully 2007 will bring more joy, more happiness, blessings, and most of all the wisdom that we wish for to steer our lives.

Thank you all for your friendship and warmth. For the time you shared and kindness that you have shown. And most importantly, for the faith in humanity that i felt exist in all of us, that brought us together and bound us, despite our obvious differences.

To all, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Eid Mubarak. Happy happy new year!

We have bigger house, but smaller families

More convenience but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense,

More knowledge but less judgment,

More experts but more problems,

More medicines but less healthiness.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and
back

But we have trouble crossing the street to meet
the new neighbour.

We built more computers to hold more information

To produce more copies than ever,

But we have less communication.

We have become long
on quantity

But short on quality.

These are times of fast food

But slow digestion,

Tall man but short on character,

Steep profits but shallow relationships.

It’s a time when there is much in the
window

But nothing in the room.

H.H. Dalai Lama

Alrite… so it has been 2 weeks since I got back home from the Phils. There’s nothing yet that compels me to write. Curious that I can only express myself voluntarily when there’s a dark cloud hanging over my head, or tears running down my cheeks. (Yeah yeah, i know i have tears down my cheeks on cue at times)  I guess I’m a blues person if u know what i mean…

2 weeks at home and I feel so relaxed and happy. Bored and tired too. But in general, happy. And hey, I do think it has something to do with the fact that my parents never nag me this time around.. Or coz I’m an adult now so I’m more responsible and take care of the house? Or coz my parents themselves outgrew their olden ways? hehehe… Hmmm… ok, i think its a heady mixture of both. Very potent. Very good.

But now i do think i need to be shoved out of the house and join the civilised world. It’s not that healthy for a girl 27 years of age to enjoy unemployment that much… I can really get used to this, doing freelance jobs from home, going out from time to time, its the life, man! But then again, what’s wrong with that? Lol, now, all i need to do is find a rich old oil sheikh who would take care of me, so that i can concentrate on doing my thing.. hahaha.. as if…..

I love it that I now have all the kitchen utensils and appliances at my disposal. And curry powders etc. It’s a luxury that I will never take for granted ever again… I was living like a semi nomad in the Phils, I didn’t even own a blender. But here, mummy dearest has at least 2 sets of everything. So, I can cilop should I had the opportunity/income to live in my own shack.

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Hmmm I had to stop midway this entry to feed my nutty aunty lunchtime… and now hours have lapsed. Just got back from an outing with frens n cousin. Had a great time. An aching back. And promises of more outing this weekend. Maybe I should strongly reconsider this entry’s title???

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

~~ THE PROPHET~~

Ok ok.. so i guess i should have started this entry with a better opening…

I was talking to a pal (yes u, Ryan), about Howard Zinn, whom i admire…. I havent read much of his writings coz heyy books are sooo damn expensive in Malaysia, and i dont have a credit card to buy them online from the states.. (excuses excuses, i know) But anyways, the ones i did read, especially You Can’t Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A Personal History of Our Times, which he wrote alil bit more than a decade ago, truly did inspire me. A colleague who is also a writer/journalist lent it to me a few years ago, and boy was i so thankful… Wish I’d own one copy of that and let my brothers and cousins and friends who are interested to read it too, and see what i meant….

Anyways, Ryan told me that Noam Chomsky gave a talk at his school… Ive heard his name before of course… Although I wasnt sure of his background and his exact opinions and stuff. Big names used to intimidate me, not coz i think im stupid, but more coz i dont usually get what they are trying to say… (except of course that Howard Zinn demystify intellectuals and academicians in some way for me enough to make me feel a little braver to touch their books).. So, i went ahead and look Noam Chomsky up.

I came about this blogs of other equally interesting people with interesting things to say like Leila Mouammar, Lucinda Marshall, Mandisi Majavu, etc etc… My brain don’t retain quotations and stuff, unfortunately, so in that sense i know i cant ever be a teacher or politicians or rhetoric spouter, but i do absorb enough spirit of what I observe and learn.. lol.. so, before i entirely forget things, let me say the following to you; that

I also agree with Mandisi Majavu’s point (which can be witnessed in our own society’s political tactics) that psycho-analysis are used by some writers and politicians to discredit people (personality attacks, or innuendoes) especially on other writers, activists, art communities, etc., instead of engaging the arguments being put forth. In our own community as it is elsewhere, these type of tactics are used to silence critics and dissenters all the time. Nevermind that the points that the people want to bring forward for discussion are legit and real. Throw all the commonsense away, coz hey… commonsense is not inline with our culture and religion… Hello!!! What’s the use of our brain then? When some people will say its berdosa.

Anyways, in case anyone interested, the URL of those blogs are at: ZNet Blog: A community of people committed to social change

Over and out!

Sometimes, at night, when I’m all alone, I can’t help but wonder why am i here and why am i doing the things I’m doing… Why did i move all the way to the Philippines, when i have everything going for me back home? And now, why am i going back, when i have a job i love, and i made this small corner of the world my own home away from home?

Maybe in a way my parents are right, when they said that I’m being idealistic. I was wounded when they said that out loud, but I wasn’t sure why. Now i think i’m just wounded coz whatever my parents said, when it bore semblance to sounding negative, I feel hurt. All i wanted is support even when it seemed to them like I’m throwing my life away. Coz i honestly don’t think I am doing that, throwing my life away.

I always believe that I have a good head above my shoulders, and that I credit to the way my parents brought me up. Things arent always easy with me, i know. Always having to pack up and leave, and start all over again in a new town, a new school, new sets of friends. I got used to it, and even look forward to change sometimes. All the times. Until it come to a point like its a way out. That I dont need to keep things in order, or figure out stuff, coz i will just bail out from it soon enough. Saved by the bell, except in this case, saved by moving away. That’s just how i feel…

Back to me growing up… Like i said, it wasnt easy with me. I’m strong headed and can be emotional, but most of the time it’s just inside my head. I think and mull things over, and I cry. I get touched easily. I lash out just as easily too. I cry when i remember the small small things that my parents do that remind me that they love me, coz we all tend to forget things… We just remember the nags and the criticism. Hard not to especially since, as i always jokingly said, whoever shouts the loudest is the winner in our household. (By the way, I have 3 younger brothers, that’s why… Go figure!!!)

It’s breaking my heart that I have to leave the Philippines. But just as i took that leap of faith to come here, and discover me as an individual stripped off her role and identity as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, etc etc, i’m taking another leap of faith to go home and find my place… Because as much as i love the lightness and space and tranquility of being on my own, i miss my family and i miss the food and i guess i just needed another change of scene.. LOL…

Maybe i’m just one of those people who is destined to live life as a wanderer? Feeling at home wherever I am, yet feel I am not complete. And if there is one thing I’ve learnt from this journey, is that it’s stupid to think that a job can make u feel complete, or a great man, or new pair of shoes… And another thing i learnt is that, life is all about discovering things as we go along.. learning from mistakes, making more of those. Sometimes i wish i dont feel as much or think as much… but i realise that i’m not alone in this world who’s life is complicated, and whose journey is as bumpy.. And i realise that im not as fragile as some may think i am, coz as my mom once said, i’m a resilient girl and i always bounce back. And i have faith that good things are just around the corner, and in that sense i’m always right.

So, these 2 weeks will be filled with goodbyes and see ya’s. Knowing that I’m leaving, but also that I will come back. Knowing that things may change, but it’s okay. Knowing that i have a lot of things that i will miss, and i have a lot of other things to look forward to. Like seeing my brothers become adults.. lol. and taking girls out for dates. and lording over what they should wear and eat. seeing my old pals and touching base. making more time for loved ones. and finding the hell out for the next phase in my life.

By now, im a veteran at moving, and a novice at commitments. But all is well. I know i will be okay.

I have
2 wisdom tooth(s) that my dentist said need to be operated and taken out before
they start to cause me physical agony… Impacted, she said. Indeed. The x-ray
showed 2 perfectly formed teeth.. one on each end of my lower errmmm set?
Perfect molars, except for the fact that they grow vertically and not
horizontally as they were supposed to be.. My imperfect perfect molars…
(i might consider putting up the x-ray pic here, once i kidnap them from my
sweet young dentist… LOL)

My imperfect perfect molars… I toss and turn in bed thinking
about and aloud on what i should do or not do about my imperfect perfect
molars… Anything, ANYTHING to run away from a deep sinking feeling i have in
my soul.

Growing an imperfect perfect molars is only one of the many
pains in growing up… ADulthood and all its glory, complexities,
responsibilities… Huge perks? There are many… But the pain, the pain is
more piercing than a dagger in my heart. But we all persevere, coz that’s what we
do. What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger, they said.. And by golly
its true.. :)  Just be, just feel, and let the pain washes over us. Don’t
force and don’t stop. As natural as can be… I’m not as eloquent in this Tao
stuff as one of my pal is.. Always told him that he’s lecturing me, but his
words are true because it is the Truth. I may not always want to see it, but my
heart feels it.

It
isn’t easy giving up something good, something pure. When all you actually want
is to be in a coccoon of bliss… Knowing that you can always count on the
warmth, and knowing that you matter. But this is how it must be. So be it.

Tell Tale signs / The Bud dajo centennialMarch 12, 2006, 3 PMVeterans War Memorial400 Van Ness AvenueSan Francisco, CA

Many people believed at the time that the Bud Dajo Massacre would never be forgotten. Apparently, they were wrong.

Only one event in the US is scheduled to mark the centennial of this event. It will be held at the Veterans War Memorial in San Francisco at 400 Van Ness Avenue on Sunday, March 12, 2006 at 3 PM, co-sponsored by Bataan Post of the American Legion and the Dewey Memorial Revision Plaque Committee. Ironically or fittingly, it will be held next door to the museum which houses the Gen. Pershing Exhibit featuring the guns, cannons, bayonets and swords used in the Moro Campaigns. The public is invited.

Hanging on the mantle above the fireplace in the Berkeley home of Tom and Yolanda Stern is an oil painting of a battle between American soldiers and the Filipino Moros of Sulu in what was hailed then as a major US military victory. The battle was in Bud Dajo and it occurred 100 years ago this week. (Read full text.)

http://www.inq7.net/globalnation/sec_mae/2006/mar/12.htm

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The Bud Dajo centennialRodel Rodis, Mar 08, 2006

In the living room of their Berkeley home, Dr. Tom Stern and his wife, Yolanda, proudly display an impressive oil painting of a battle between American soldiers and the Filipino Moros of Sulu in what was hailed as a major victory of the US government. The battle was in Bud Dajo and it occurred 100 years ago this week.

The Moros of Sulu are called Tausug , people ("tau") of the current("sug"), and for 300 years they had successfully resisted all attempts by Spain to conquer them and include them as part of its colonialempire in the Philippines. But could they resist the US?

In 1899, after the Filipino American War broke out, the US sent troops to Jolo to take over the Spanish fort there. The commanding general of the US forces in the Philippines. Gen. Elwell Otis, estimated that it would take only 600 US troops to take Jolo but 2,000 to take Zamboanga, which had been taken over by the Filipino revolutionary forces. (Read full text.)

http://www.philippinenews.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=bab5e4e86440485cf73ebcfadaadea73

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Sunday, March 12, 2006Bud Dahu Martyrs remembered

THE first ever observance of the people of Sulu, honoring and remembering their martyrs of about 1,600 men, women and children massacred by American troops of Bud Dahu in the island of Jolo called the "Battle of the Clouds" was concluded Saturday with a Bangsamoro Peace Summit.

This grandiose celebration is a long wait for the Tausugs to let this significant event come true and appropriately come up with as planned after a hundred years of waiting for its Centennial Commemoration.  (Read full text.)

http://www.sunstar.com.ph/static/zam/2006/03/12/news/bud.dahu.martyrs.remembered.html

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Life so far
Is not without mar
The doors are not always ajar…